Disputes, Disruptions, and Difficult People: Negotiating Resolutions

Assuming blame and finding fault with others is often our first tendency in response to conflict. We hold other people responsible for our problems and discomforts. This response has a function and is understandable, but it is often unproductive or in some cases counterproductive. Our tendency to generate self-protective conclusions stifles the possibility of resolution. We need to be reflective in order to foster the likelihood of a productive outcome.

Some of the questions for reflection include:

• How is this situation helping me think about issues I have been neglecting or blocking out?
• What could I have observed that signaled the escalation of feelings in me or the other person?
• What are, or might be, some of the basic needs or factors that have contributed to this conflict?
• What can I learn from this interaction that will be useful and productive to me in other similar situations?
• What has this conflict done for me that I might be able to accomplish in other ways?

Answers to these questions begin to help us dispute some irrational and commonly held thoughts.

1. Conflict is bad, harmful, and a threat to my personhood.
2. There is always a winner and a loser. So, I must either "give in" to lessen my loss, or I must completely dominate to insure my win, or I must completely avoid the reality of conflict by pretending it doesn't exist and hope it will fade away.
3. I am only able to respond in one way to each and every conflict. It's the way I've always done it I guess it's the best way for me.
4. I must always make the people I'm in conflict with into the "enemy" or "adversary." These difficult and disruptive people cannot be helpful to me in any way.

There are certainly other ways to think about the nature and experience of conflict.

1. Conflict is helpful because it is a tension reliever, a kind of safety valve that releases pressure so we can face other challenges.
2. Conflict promotes growth when we use it to facilitate our reasoning, creativity, and emotional awareness.
3. Conflict helps to regulate the emotional distance between individuals who have become over-involved or under-involved with others.
4. Conflict, handled effectively, promotes commitment and intimacy.
5. Conflict can be a remedy for chaos, apathy, and stagnation.

In Beyond Blame Jeffrey Kottler suggests six actions that we can lead to personal understanding and conflict resolution.

Action 1:

Identify what set you off. Determine what you are thinking, feeling, or doing that you find yourself upset, angry, or frustrated. For instance, do you feel unappreciated; are you being undermined; is someone attempting to control you? Essentially, you want to identify what is at stake (sense of security, sense of competence) and how are you allowing yourself to be set off?

Action 2:

Think about some of the origins and causes of your responses.Often unresolved past issues resurface with some people and in some situations, therefore, it's important to think about some of the thoughts and feelings that are familiar. For instance, you might ask yourself:

• Do I need reassurance or affirmation?
• Do I fear failure or success?
• Do I feel a sense of futility/powerlessness?
• Am I having trouble with an authority figure?
• Is this like conflicts I've had with siblings?
• Do I fear betrayal?
• Do I fear vulnerability or abandonment?

Action 3:

Allow yourself the discomfort of direct contact with the other person.

Action 4:

Take responsibility without blaming. Focus on your thoughts and behavior rather than those of the other person. Remember that human interactions are complex and that motivations and intentions are not as clear as we sometimes believe. Be aware of ways that you might be trying to disown a problem, make excuses, or divert blame.

Action 5:

Commit yourself to acting differently. We often attempt to solve problems with the same solutions even though those solutions don't work. Often a solution that doesn't work only causes another problem or complications the existing problem. If what another you're doing doesn't work try something else. Put yourself in the other person's position and decide what might be effective. Keep in mind that at times we all act based on perceptual distortions, memory deficits, dysfunctional beliefs, emotional instability, and physical symptoms.

Action 6:

Experiment with alternative strategies. Keep in mind two key axioms of communication:

• you cannot not communicate
• the meaning of your communication is based on the response you get and not necessarily on what you intend.

As you keep these axioms in mind you will be more aware of your behavior and the response of the other person. You will then be able to generate various approaches and assess their effectiveness. If one attempt doesn't work, and you have an investment in the relationship for professional or personal reasons, then try something else. You need not wait for another time. In conflict resolution shifting in midstream is sometimes very effective. It can result in a productive shift in the other person.

Effectively handling disputes, disruptions, and difficult people takes courage because it often requires self-reflection, a willingness to be vulnerable, and an ability to tolerate uncertainty and discomfort. It is partially through discomfort and vulnerability that we can learn to trust ourselves and develop a degree of trust in some other people.